Goals

Back on October 15th, I started using the Lose It! app and website to track my calorie intake. I've always been tired of being overweight, but I had a hard time finding the motivation to do anything about it. When on occasion I did actually become proactive, I never had the willpower to stick to it for long. But recently something changed, and suddenly I just couldn't put up with it anymore. So I set a goal to lose 61 pounds at a rate of two pounds per week. Originally, the app said I would reach my goal by May 17th of next year. After tracking my food for one day I realized I was seriously eating too much and making poor choices with what I ate. It didn't take long to get my intake under control.

Now, I'm paying attention to that little thing called a "serving size" that I've always ignored. The weird part? I don't even mind limiting myself. Before, we would dole out the ice cream and just keep eating until it was gone. I thought for sure this would be my biggest weakness, but it turns out that I am actually satisfied with just a half cup of ice cream. And now it lasts longer. Candies and cakes and cookies aren't nearly as enticing as they were, and I think it's because I'm not cutting them out entirely. That has never worked, anyway. I just make room for them in my calorie budget. If I don't have enough calories left, I do a little extra exercise. The last few weeks I've actually been under budget by a couple hundred calories.

What's more: I don't sit and think about food all day. I wouldn't say I was obsessed before, but I was always thinking about what I could snack on next. I thought I would actually be wrapped up in counting calories, but really it just takes a second and I move on to something else. I don't dwell on food all the time, and I feel safe saying I've finally broken my addiction. It's a weird feeling. I love not worrying about food. I love seeing the numbers on the scale getting lower and lower. I love being able to enjoy snacks and candy without feeling guilty.

Yesterday I got to take down the first butterfly from my goal wall. I have lost ten pounds, and it hasn't even been a month yet. Now, the app says I'll reach my goal by May 8th.

I do have the advantage of breastfeeding right now, but I do intend to start introducing more exercise too. I've been shoveling snow and doing more housework, and as much as I hate exercise I've actually enjoyed it because I know it means I can have an extra cookie later, or that I'll lose another half a pound. I've been keeping the house cleaner, which is another mood booster for me. I do love coming home and relaxing in a clean house.

I've also ordered a Jawbone UP wristband, and though it's backordered right now, when I get it I'm sure it'll help with my weight loss. It tracks your activity during the day and can be set to give you a gentle reminder to get up and do something when you've been stationary for too long. I'm really excited and proud of this lifestyle change, and I can't wait to finally be happy with my body again.

It is time.

Today a dear friend shared with me a blog post that gave me a new perspective with which to view my daily struggles as a mother. For the past week I have been exhausted, frustrated, and lost. While fighting off first strep throat and then a head and chest cold, I also had to contend with Audrey's teething, which is keeping us both awake all night. For the first time in my life, I'm not able to take personal time to relax and recover because I have a miserable baby who needs me more than I need me. I have chores that can't be set aside until I'm feeling better (How quickly we run out of clean burp rags and baby clothes!) and errands that are more important than my self-pity. It's hard to admit to myself that, while I was in fact ready emotionally to have and raise a child, I may not have been prepared to grow up and stop being selfish.


Every night I get overwhelmed because I am tired, sick, and mentally drained. Audrey is tired too, but her pain is keeping her awake and she doesn't understand why I can't make it go away. I don't either. Until now I've been able to satisfy her every need, be it food, sleep, a diaper change, or entertainment. This feeling of uselessness is new to me. Every new situation we've faced I've come out on top; I've figured out what to do to make it better. But now I have no answer, no solution, and no peace.


Just like the first weeks after she was born, I find myself becoming forgetful and mentally disorganized. I can't focus. I have no energy. I feel like I need to sleep for three days straight. I want to get away by myself, but I can't even do that because for some reason I can't pump milk anymore. Every time I try I get maybe 10mL, which isn't even enough to bother freezing. When Audrey nurses she gets plenty, but I've gone so long feeding her straight from the breast I wonder if it has impaired my ability to pump. I've got plenty of milk stockpiled in the freezer, but if I leave Audrey with someone and am unable to pump, my supply may be affected.


It's so easy to fall into the well of self-pity and wallow there waiting for someone to drop down the metaphorical rope that is the solution to all my problems. It is so very easy to forget what this is all supposed to be about: the joy of raising my daughter.


And then, after a truly hard night of little sleep and lots of crying, I wake up to the toothless (for now) smile of my beautiful baby girl, and I have to pause and understand that it is time to grow up. It is time to be more than myself. It is time to give my everything. It is time to be strong, supportive, patient, gentle, soothing, selfless, and forgiving. It is time to be Mother.