Today a dear friend shared with me a blog post that gave me a new perspective with which to view my daily struggles as a mother. For the past week I have been exhausted, frustrated, and lost. While fighting off first strep throat and then a head and chest cold, I also had to contend with Audrey's teething, which is keeping us both awake all night. For the first time in my life, I'm not able to take personal time to relax and recover because I have a miserable baby who needs me more than I need me. I have chores that can't be set aside until I'm feeling better (How quickly we run out of clean burp rags and baby clothes!) and errands that are more important than my self-pity. It's hard to admit to myself that, while I was in fact ready emotionally to have and raise a child, I may not have been prepared to grow up and stop being selfish.
Every night I get overwhelmed because I am tired, sick, and mentally drained. Audrey is tired too, but her pain is keeping her awake and she doesn't understand why I can't make it go away. I don't either. Until now I've been able to satisfy her every need, be it food, sleep, a diaper change, or entertainment. This feeling of uselessness is new to me. Every new situation we've faced I've come out on top; I've figured out what to do to make it better. But now I have no answer, no solution, and no peace.
Just like the first weeks after she was born, I find myself becoming forgetful and mentally disorganized. I can't focus. I have no energy. I feel like I need to sleep for three days straight. I want to get away by myself, but I can't even do that because for some reason I can't pump milk anymore. Every time I try I get maybe 10mL, which isn't even enough to bother freezing. When Audrey nurses she gets plenty, but I've gone so long feeding her straight from the breast I wonder if it has impaired my ability to pump. I've got plenty of milk stockpiled in the freezer, but if I leave Audrey with someone and am unable to pump, my supply may be affected.
It's so easy to fall into the well of self-pity and wallow there waiting for someone to drop down the metaphorical rope that is the solution to all my problems. It is so very easy to forget what this is all supposed to be about: the joy of raising my daughter.
And then, after a truly hard night of little sleep and lots of crying, I wake up to the toothless (for now) smile of my beautiful baby girl, and I have to pause and understand that it is time to grow up. It is time to be more than myself. It is time to give my everything. It is time to be strong, supportive, patient, gentle, soothing, selfless, and forgiving. It is time to be Mother.
It is even harder for you than most because you do not have family nearby ready to swoop in and give you a night's sleep. I think of my other grandbabies who have their grands close at hand, keeping them overnight in order to offer relief to the new parents. I see my neighbors who kept their grandbabies overnight before they were even 2 weeks old. I wish we could that for you and Geoff. I will be there soon and I will hold her and rock her and let her cry with me while you get that much needed rest. 17 more days and I'll be there and I won't even mind if you sleep for all of the days that I'm there.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait! I too notice everyone who can easily drop their baby off and I admit I am a little jealous. I wish we could be closer for my own sake, but also because I want her to know all of her grandparents better than I knew mine. It would be so nice to give her to you and slip out with Geoff to just get a drink or something. But at the same time, I love being able to spend all my time with her and I love knowing that I have the ability to make her happy and comfort her, even though it can take a while sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI am so excited for you to get here so you can hold her and she can spend some much-needed time with you. And, of course, so Geoff and I can take a tiny break. :)